This is me. This is me as of right now. I'm not entirely sure I like what I see. Much of myself seems to be a generic version of a teeny tiny portion of my life. Oh, thats Annie, thats Potato. She's pretty cool. I met her through x, y or z. Annie's pretty funny. I never feel as though I've contributed something genuine and worthwhile! I've read more books than most people my age have, traveled up and down the east coast a bunch of times, taken twelve years of dance classes, played soccer for eleven, and have a great sense for detecting emotions. But what purpose does that serve! I've met so many other people, been involved in lots of fun things, but still feel at a loss. Has my time been spent wisely? Have I made the right contacts in my life? I know I have quality friends that surround me but how far does that take me? Should I have spent more time in sports instead of just sticking with soccer? Why don't I play now? My mom keeps pushing and pushing for scholarships. Now I think I really understand why. When it comes time for award ceremonies, I don't think I even want to be there. Just please, please don't mention my name. I KNOW I haven't earned much of anything. How could I have? I'm just meeting people now in my senior year. I get asked if I am a new student all the time. Is my school community that big or have I not left enough of an impression. Maybe I'm being selfish and greedy, but I do wish someone could vouch for my potential at least. I'll do great things. I have to! But for right now I don't think being a participant in theater and a member of book and history clubs do much justice. They don't get me sent to Columbia, Yale or even stinkin' Coastal for that matter. But I should't even say that. I would be lucky to get into Coastal. Ah! I'm just looking back wanting to scream at myself. Perhaps I haven't been involved enough. I realize now there were pleanty more volunteer and work opportunities I didn't take advantage of. There were lots more old ladies to help across the street. Maybe if I had a skill. A really unique and useful skill. Even just one that was looked up to or given scholarships for. But for now I almost have to rely on my parents inability to pay for much of anything to get myself there. Wait, scratch that. My mom actually can't but my dad can. I'd almost like to cheat the system and not have to account for my dad's income. Because everybody knows I won't be seeing a cent of that. Apparently the fact that I have ovaries and look like my mother leaves little room for support on his part.

There is so much about myself that brings light and energy to other people. I know this. I have the "best personality", and I have a "great smile".  Do people say that because I don't have much else? And where does that leave me? With a career as a cheeky newscaster or a perky telemarketer.

I'd like to go out west. See things I've never seen before. I want to visit long standing churchs and buildings older than me. I'd like to go to South Africa on safari. Europe is a must. A backpacking adventure sounds like a dream. I imagine sleeping on park benches and eating breakfasts in cafes. I like taking pictures and reading and writing. I love children and psychology. My passion lies with being dramatic and having fun, singing and dancing. I wonder if I should just join the circus and write about my experience going around the world that way.

So, mom was watching Oprah in the living room this afternoon. I couldn't help but get distracted from homework and look up and see what the buzz was. This woman author comes on and starts singing praises to the vegan gods. I felt so guilty when she began talking about how much of a positive impact switching to veggie or vegan can become. For the girl that at the beginning of the year was glad to tell her vegan story to friends and family has be shot down. Within the past four months or so I've become so confused, overwhelmed, apathetic, unmotivated, and angry overall. Not to mention within the past month and a half I've been out of school on and off with mono. When I get the chance to sit and eat a good mean, I don't even care what it is. I eat it most of the time. Some days I don't care about eating and being helthy and live off of water and fruit. Than there are other days where I at everything in sight. It's so embarassing and wicked unhealthy. I've gained about 30 odd pounds in the past 6 odd months. That has never hapened to me. A 6-8 pound gain at the most over a few months. But 30? Jesus!

That being said, I want nothing more right now than to finish up my junior year as quickly as possible and get back to feeling better.
But sometimes i seems so much more socially acceptable way way way easier to just eat whatever. Chicken, tuna, milk, eggs. It makes going out in groups 10x easier an more comfortable. But, I still have that nagging in the back of my mind. I can't give the vegan hope up! 

I'm not starving myself or going to restrict to the point of delusion. But making big steps to get on track and be happier overall is what I'm pushing for.

So, to start of- I'm blogging 21 days of cleansing.
No:
caffeine
sugar
gluten
animal products at all

So what I'll have instead:
soy products (milk, yogurt, etc)
grains
nuts
oatmeal
veggies
fruit
beans
etc.

Other things I need to work on-
getting a job
working out daily
reading more often
SAT study
chemistry final prep
history and psychology projects
planning for summer: HGTC wise, VA Beach, NC, Columbia, NJ, PA, work, etc.

Oh my word, I'm nervous. I have too much to do.
 

 Simply put, I would have to say the best memories of my mom are of when she isn't doing much at all. Just knowing she is relaxing is good enough for me.  I'm sure she wouldn't even stand still long enough for me to explain. That woman is always on the go. But the fondest of memories would have to include each week every summer we spent vacationing in Cape May, NJ. I loved to sit and read with her in oversized white chipping rockers on the porch overlooking the ocean. There was no finer way to spend time. While in Jersey nothing could harm us. Tragedy couldn't strike. My dad couldn't touch us. My biggest fears at the time were getting stung by a jelly fish, not having enough tickets to win the "bigsuperfantastic" prize at the arcade, or being so sunburned I would have to stay inside the next day with only juice and a bottle of aloe vera to keep me company.

I'd bring a stack of big girl chapter books to start and finish. Mom would bring a self-help book along and a bottle or two of nail polish for us to use up. After she painted my toes they would dry in the sun while I caught up with Junie B. Jones, an Alice novel, or an adventure with Nancy Drew. My chest would swell with pride when other tenats came up the steps and commented on us. "Hi there! Enjoying the vacation? Gosh, you two HAVE to be related! How adorable." 

We would go walking on the beach in the morning, sometimes leaving my brothers in the beach apartment to sleep. It was so fun the have a girls morning out. We would talk about God, shopping, the ocean, our favorite places, what we wanted to do that day, what we were missing at home." She would always ask me a lot of  questions and I was more that happy to give more than enough of a reply.

 

Tonight is another perfectly ordinary night. I'm breathing in the same style as I did about 17 years ago when I took my first breaths. This moment isn't all that special. I'm wishing there was a secret vortex inside of my core that could throw up all the things I want to say. However, the words aren't coming out like I'd like.

Today was an exhausting day and this evening was a tender yet heartbreaking night.

Can I teach you how to love

You can't face the truth
It'll be the death of you

How forgotten, how

Look how far we've gone from the truth
What will it take to get through to you
I want to make it clear to you
A simple sentence could change the hands of time
Rip from me what was once mine

Have I been taken into account
Or would you like to make a fool of me

Do you hear the sound?
The click of the heels against marble ground


just hold your head up of the ground
turn your feet back right around
to where you had started, where you began

the truth is still worth searching for
but im not telling you, not once more

and i carry the weight
of what has not been forgiven

I believe I have finally begun to value my ultimate passion and saving grace. Writing is not just a tool I use to get a point across, but it is also the art I use to explore these neglected mind crevices of mine. There are just some things I cannot verbalize. It helps me to cope, reflect, and mature on otherwise unavailable thoughts and ideas. Sometimes my sentence structure is poor and downright invalid. But when looking past the minor mistakes (which there always are some) I do believe I have a knack for this kind of thing. It's something that makes me chest swell like a mama birds who has just taught her baby how to catch his own worms.

Which is just like the pride I associate with my best friend. He is a slightly unnecessary yet crucial part of my being...kind of like a semi-off center pillar without whom I would not stand. Should I complain about it being a bit wobbly on occasion? Probably not. I love him with ever fiber of my being and thats all that matters to me at this moment.

After venting about him earlier he called a couple of hours later (oh the irony!). He wanted to see me and spend some time together. Of course I obliged. We spent most of our day and evening together and got caught up on a couple of new elements of one another's lives. I'm not sure how I could spend so much time away from him as I did. I figured he was utterly sick of me as a human being. It seemed clear that he had moved on. Apparently not. If I had asked him to do a dozen cartwheels for me he would have. This gentleman would attempt a thousand different ways to get the moon for me if I requested.

While I have been genuinely opposed to love, or whatever this feeling is for weeks on end it's back suddenly with a vengeance. Right now I am choosing to take these feelings as they come. I find it unnerving to predict what will or will not happen. But, a part of me can't help but to wish and pray and hope that part of his and my fantasies will combine to create this melodic life partnership down the line. I long to be with him. I desire him to be with me.

He's my favorite human being. I love every moment with him. Whether it is us laughing and teasing or being stupid and arguing over earthly things. Is it too soon to say I want to spend my life with him? How about children? Much too early to have them of course, but I imagine this beautiful lifetime of soccer games and swim meets and dance recitals for our babies. Disputes? Naturally. Nights on the couch? Probably. I can only imagine how tough and emotionally draining succeeding in a healthy relationship will be.

My greatest fear at the moment is that he will bail on me as he has before. It takes every ounce of energy for me not to call him up shaking. I'm crying and whispering gently begging him not to leave me. "Please, please don't leave me. Just  stay. I need you to stay here for me. Don't give up on me just yet. I love you." I see this partly as a sign of weakness. I do. But also as a desperate cry to be cared for in the way that I do him.

This is a learning experience. I choose not to judge this so harshly anymore. I love and I hurt. I love because I hurt and I hurt because I love.

Last night like most nights I was kept awake with a nagging idea in the back of my mind for an entry of sorts. I decided it was brilliant and needed to be shared with the world promptly. Of course that meant getting out of bed to write it. It obviously didn't happen. All the while Moonlight Sonata was rocking me to sleep. I pictured Beethoven giving up on this masterpiece of musical genius. Than I realized how silly it was to compare myself with him. I mean, I'm about to go on about "romantic woes" here.



So there is the fella I've know for... not quite my whole life, but a long time. I think he and I are extremely compatible. He thinks we are extremely compatible. Not through a sort of vibe I've gotten (though I've gotten them before). He's verbalized this feeling on many occasion. We've "been there" I guess I can say. Let it run it's path... sort of. And here we are today. Ta da. While he is someone I strongly admire I can't help but hate him. Ridiculous, I know. There are some moments I want to rip my hair out by the roots about this guy! Not so much having to do with me. Really having nothing at all to do with me. Simply matters of the heart concerning him. Just to make you feel like you are a part of this I'll give him a name. Let's call him Jacob, ok? Of course his name is not really Jacob. But back to the point, Jacob makes these decisions to push himself up in the world when in reality he is setting himself back a pace or two. If a person is not all that bright and make poor decisions it makes sense. But when he has the world at his feet, a thinking mind, and he just leaves me exasperated most of the time! I can't feel all to sorry for him anymore. Jacob can do better. I know it, he knows it, his family knows it, his friends know it. I suppose I fibbed when I said all of this didn't really pertain to me. It does. I am one of the ones or maybe the only one he goes to to vent about this all. And while I love him to pieces I just want to grab him by the shirt collar and go- "Shape up! You can do this. You can do anything you want. Don't you see? Whats holding you back, man? Get out there and go!" In a milder way I have. I would just hate to see later down the line that he is unhappy with his life because of poor choices he's made now. Now enter my egotastic self- if anything were to be able to happen between us I would hate to know it couldn't. When he crashes, he crashes. He hits his lowest low and not a thing I say or do has ever been able to help him once he gets to that point. And if there is one thing I could wish for him it would be to be able to get him out of that rock bottom place or prevent him from going there. But perhaps there is a reason for this type of suffering? I'm not sure. I'm really not supposed to know either, am I? He has the power to do great things. Sure, being with him, getting to hold him and express myself with him fully would be great. Ultimately, regardless of where we stand as ex-friends, friends, or more I want Jacob to be living the fulfilled life. It's not too late, it's never too late for it. I'm just not sure what I can do to help.

Me: Lord Almightly, I need some rest. I suppose I'll *yawn*... hit the sack.

Mind: Don't be silly, dear.  You and I both know we still have so much left to accomplish today.

Me: *whines* But, but... it's one a.m.! Surely that all can wait for tomorrow. Or... another day, you know... saying I simply can't get it all done.

Mind: It has become apparent you wish to display your weakness at all times. Do you realize that? Perhaps its just me getting that god-awful vibe.

Me: Oh hush, you! I wish to rest and recuperate my tired bones, you see. Wouldn't it be better to work hard tomorrow and rest now while I have the chance?

Mind: You don't deserve this "rest". You don't deserve anything pleasurable of the sort.

Me: Well, to get all technical and everything, nobody DESERVES anything. But today was a long day. And, I mean... I got some work done. Thats good at least, right?

Mind: "Some?"  Thats a word I hear much too often. I quite prefer "ALL".

Me: Well, I tried. Sometimes that just has to be good enough. And thats the story I'm sticking to.

Mind: You don't try, you DO.

Me: Listen, y- you- well... you're wasting your time and making me ill. Thats right. Big deal I didn't save a life today. Guess what, I haven't found the cure to cancer yet and maybe never will! Is that so terrible to live with (slips on pajamas and turns out lights).

Mind: It is terrible to live with. I dare say I can't stand your incompetence anymore young lady. You can do this. Get up and be productive. Sleep is below you. You don't need it. And it sure doesn't want you.

Me: (Turns lights on, stumbles, and begins thumbing through a stack of papers) *Ugh* What do you know? I don't have the willpower for this. Where am I even supposed to start *yawn*?

Mind: Don't fret dear one. We can do this together of course. I will never leave you out in the cold.

Me: Really? *smiles* Thanks!

Mind: But of course, it's the least I can do for you. But uh, I may have to band a group together to reach this goal of ultimate perfection. Thats OK, isn't it?

Me: Perfection, huh? I thought that was impossible. Friends... sure whatever. I'm so tired I'm agreeing to just about...

Mind: Great. We need to lat least have Pain, Sweat, Rebellion, Suffering,  Lies, Starvation, and Workaholism, naturally. Of course, others will be joining at a later date if thats alright.

Me: What kind of "friends" are we talking about here?!

Mind: Oh, hun. Don't be silly. You know, the usual- Anxiety, Negativity,  Depression and Sleep Insomnia will file in as they please. What did you expect? Self- confidence? *Ha!*

Me: You are being utterly ridiculous! Do you see this torture and work you've set out for "us". All of this garbage is for me. Totally for me!

Mind: Now, now. I 'll be there every step of the way.

Me: But...

Mind: I care about you. I think, therefore, I think I know best for you.

Me: This is not what I want. I mean, it is... but it isn't.

Mind: Look at you poor indecisive thing. There there. But I do think you were right, you know.

Me: I was? I mean... mmhmm. I was. About what though? I forget.

Mind: Now is not the time to be sorting through all of this. Let your physical self sleep some.

Me: Finally we are on the same page!

Mind: Oh no, baby. It's just a little rest that weak external self of yours until I come up with a final plan. Myself and Guilt will wake you up when we deem appropriate.

Me: I can't do this. I won't do this. Why don't you just let me sleep in peace for once?!

Mind: I know you inside and out. i am certain of what can be done with you. Done with this mess of yourself you've made.

Me: Puhleeze, I know myself best. And I know what I want... a water bottle and a late morning tomorrow. So, get out of here. Hasta luego and goodnight.

Mind: We'll talk in the morning. I'm always here, you know.

Me: Let me be. Just... (stretches arms above head) go away a while. The sun's not even out.

Mind: I'm afraid I'm attached my little "gifted" one. *Laughs*

Me: (Hops into bed and rolls over with a sigh). I said goodnight. So... just leave me be for once. I beg of you!

Mind: *Giggles* You know I'm still here.

Me: I know. What do you think my nightmares are composed of? (Slowly drifts off)

Its been quite some time since I've felt so powerful and confident as I do now. I still number my flaws, but not quite as often. It's slowly reducing to every once in a blue moon rather than by the hour. My mind is clearer and my mood brighter. I am much more responsive and  less judgmental. I have become so oblivious to unnecessary, mean-spirited criticism as well. It feels as though everywhere I go a light, airy, almost whimsical song follows. Nothing that is said or done to me will consume me entirely. I've got more pressing issues to deal with. I've got a life to live. Hold my calls please. 

      I count my blessings often, but don't praise my Creator nearly enough for them.

     Chances are only one of these people on the list will see this and be able to receive my full thanks right now. She is the only peer I feel well going to for any issue I face. The rest are adults that have shaped my life and kept my spirit in full confident Annie mode. Each of these individuals are my strong pillars without whom I would not stand. Here are the four men and four women that I run to time and time again for comfort and advice. I feel like the luckiest gal alive to get to spend as much time with them as I do. My life has been filled entirely with opportunity and I've ignored it time and time again. My heroes have reminded me and picked me back up each time I fall, which happens a lot. But what can I say? I am a tad clumsy.

My hats off to them. Always and forever.


Guys:
Mr. Ebright
Kerry
Uncle John
Pastor Stretch

Dolls:
Mom
Cyndy
Aunt Christine
Lindsey